A Clete by Any Other Name Isn't the Same

During Monday’s game, Simon Jones of Orioles Tweets asked via Twitter, “What kind of name is Clete?

I personally hold Orioles Tweets responsible for angering Clete Thomas thereby causing him to smite Danys Baez in the ninth inning and defeat the Birds 6-5.

But he raises a good question, one that is worthy of further investigation.

So I sent the query – “What kind of name is Clete?” – to Roar from 34’s research department. Then I remembered that I work on a staff of one, so I did the Google search myself.

The results indicate that Clete Thomas was working last night to restore some much-needed honor to Cletes everywhere.

Clete Torres did the name dishonor when he got himself banned from MilitaryPhotos.Net, a punishment that may have had something to do with his interest in “Somoan Porn” [sic – in more ways than one].

Were Clete Torres a female, he could have attended “St. Clete’s School for Wayward Girls” with Carla, the feisty but beloved bartender from Cheers fame.

Speaking of Wayward Girls, the rapper Clete might have some not-safe-for-work lyrical thoughts about the topic (Tsk, Tsk). I’m noticing a bedroom, clothes-on-the-floor-sans-romance theme developing here.

Our naughty rapper friend could learn a little something from the family friendly stylings of The Clete Bellin Orchestra. Don’t front on Mr. Bellin. After all, he’s the leader of “one of the outstanding Czech polka bands in the Midwest.”

Perhaps Carla, her impure rapper friend, and the Somoan porn afficianaodo should all visit the Rev. Clete Hux, a Christian apologist who provides “answer to cults and new religious movements.”

If the Clete Thomas fan club (whom though shall not covet) turns its hero worship into false idoltry, they may have to answer to the right Rev. Hux.

And then there’s poor old Clete Hantz, who appears to have gotten shamed after a night of drinking. Mr. Hantz, there’s a Rev. Hux on line one for you.

But not all Cletes are bad. Some in fact are ready to help you with your social and medical challenges.

Clete Bulach of the eponymous Clete Bulach Professional Development and Assessment Center provides insight on “leadership behavior, teacher caring behaviors, bullying behavior, character-related behavior, and levels of openness and trust.”

Hmmm …

A repentant Melvin Mora now says that his outburst was a “miscoummunication” that has been cleared up. Coincidence, or did Melvin and Dave pay a visit to Clete Bulach before last night’s game?

There’s also Dr. Clete Kushida, who warns that “if a person is sleep deprived, they have problems such as excessive daytime sleepiness … They have difficulties with their cognitive functions. Their ability to think unimpaired is affected, as well as their mood changes.”

Impaired thinking. Mood changes. The good doctor might just be describing O’s fans. Or maybe Clete Thomas was doing us all a favor by not keeping us up late to watch extra innings. That sleep depriviation is serious stuff.

Finally, I’ll leave these last ones up to you, the reader. Make your own jokes about Clete’s Taxidermy Studio and Clete Meders Folk Art Pottery.

Clete Bellin Orchestra Image Source: Here.


About Matthew Taylor

Roar from 34, a Baltimore Orioles Blog. Humor. History. Homerism. Since 2006.
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