Welcome to Baltimore. Thank you for supporting the local economy. Our beer vendors are particularly grateful you’re here.
Boston has many great baseball fans. Unfortunately, they tend not to be the ones who show up at Camden Yards when the Red Sox are in town. Nevertheless, we hope you enjoy your visit.
If it’s not too much to ask, we’d like for our fans to enjoy their visit to the ballpark as well. It only seems fair given it’s the home team and all.
So here are a few things to remember as you prepare for your weekend at the ballpark:
-The Yankees aren’t playing in Baltimore this weekend. They just left town. If you really want to find them, just look up in the A.L. East standings. No, not that high. Those are the Rays. Just a little lower. Okay, that’s better.
Given New York’s absence, there’s really no need to start “Yankees Suck” chants at Camden Yards. Don’t get me wrong, we would’ve appreciated your help earlier this week. Perhaps you can come back for an actual Yankees game in the future and try your chant out then.
-Speaking of the Yankees, please don’t complain to the locals about New York’s payroll or claim that your franchise is so different from the “Evil Empire.” Take a look at the teams down on the field. One of them currently has a payroll twice the size of the other. I’m a generous person, so I’ll give you two guesses as to which one that is.
-Our music guy doesn’t take requests, so “Sweet Caroline” won’t be replacing “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” during the seventh-inning stretch.
We’re glad you found a song to call your own. Fittingly, it’s perfect for a drunken singalong. We have our own traditions, though, and they’re not so new. We would appreciate if you respect them.
-Speaking of tradition, baseball did in fact exist prior to 2004. And the Orioles have a pretty good baseball history of their own that includes many years atop the American League East.
Perhaps it’s a minor detail, but the Orioles have won three championships since moving to Baltimore in 1954; the Red Sox have won two in that period.
A.L. Pennants since ’54? Orioles 6 – Red Sox 5.
A.L. East titles? Orioles 8 – Red Sox 6.
There’s no question that Boston has had the Orioles’ number in recent years, but let’s not pretend it’s always been that way.
-Despite the Orioles’ struggles, some fans actually do want to root, root, root for the home team. Try to keep your harassment of them, and their kids, to a minimum. Even after you’ve stuffed the beer vendors’ pockets.
-We know you can’t get over your own creativity in calling Camden Yards “Fenway South.” We have our own name for it here in Baltimore: the Boston Bandwagon. It seems that bandwagon has picked up quite a few passengers outside New England in recent years.
-Finally, you can call yourselves Red Sox Nation, but that doesn’t mean everyone in the country roots for your team. Actually, it’s just the opposite. By recent accounts, you’re actually more hated than the Yankees. If you don’t act civilized in our ballpark, it’ll stay that way.
By the way, we like your girlfriend’s pink hat.